To Judge Denny Chin,
Look... we all agree that my client is an asshole. Even I agree with that. But this case isn't about being an asshole... if this case was about being an asshole, sure, I'd sentence Bernie to 100 or 150 years in jail... hell I'd say even longer. You see my point of view? I'm on your side here. Can I call you a friend? Good.
So, friend, here's what I'm saying: The Bern-ster is like 71 years old. That's ridiculously old. What, he's probably going to live for like, 10, 11 years longer. 13 tops. TOPS! So let's just say we give him 12 years in prison. 12 years is a long time, right Denny? So long. M*A*S*H wasn't even on for 12 years and lets remember all the character development that could go on throughout that show. I felt like I knew Hawkeye like a father by the time that show was over. It seemed to go on forever. So really, 12 years is pretty harsh right? I think we'd all agree that it is.
So here's what I'm suggesting: give him 12 years in jail! The dirty dozen! The ol' bag o' bones is so old that it's basically a life sentence. And even if he does live that whole time he'll only have like a year when he gets out... and that year will probably be spent arguing with his family about being put in a old folks home... I think we agree that's probably worse than jail, right? Just a joke.
So 12 years... huh? C'mon... c'mon... c'moooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Think it over.