Monday, June 29, 2009

But seriously... do it for me...

To Judge Denny Chin,

All of my reasoning is bullshit. I know that. But Bernie took all my money. And I really need to win this case so that I can get some of it back. 12 years. That's all I'm asking.

Think it over.

Your (I'd like to think good) friend,

Ira :)

Think of what he could do in jail for so long!

To Judge Denny Chin,

Seriously, I know that everyone thinks Bernie is a bad guy... I personally think he's horrible... but lets look at how he pulled it all off. One word: time. He had so much time and he used that time to trick everyone, slowly and painfully. It's time that the man is working with. Time.

I bring this up because you are falling right into Bernie's trap. I'm telling you this not as his attorney, but as your friend. I don't want you to be embarrassed. You're giving him loads and loads of time in jail. Essentially you're giving him another life to con everyone within the jail.

So what I'm suggesting is never let him get comfortable. Give him 12 years in jail, and then after that pull him out and put him in a different environment. With that amount of time he won't be able to embezzle nearly as much as he would with HIS ENTIRE LIFE!

THINK ABOUT IT! 12 years is the best option. Everybody wins. He gets basically a life sentence, and he doesn't get to con the jail birds out of their hard earned cigarette money. I'm thinking about you... that's why I'm offering you this advice. As a friend.


I think you're being biased...

To Judge Denny Chin,

I didn't want to accuse anyone of being overly subjective, and bringing in a bias prior to this case starting, but I'm starting to notice a serious slant in your reasoning, Judge, and I think it's time we address it.

Your very prejudiced against my client. Because you hate evil.

Look, my client was born this way. He was born evil. And your obvious bias and prejudice against his "evilness" just shows how corrupt our court has become. I could charge you for a hate crime against evil. It's not like my client just woke up one day and decided... "I am evil!" No. It was something he was born with, and has had to deal with on a daily basis.

I will be writing a formal letter to the New York Supreme Court declaring your prejudice, and hopefully we'll have a trial against you. Such unjust, biased judges should not be allowed in the courtroom.

I'll drop this charge if you reconsider my 12 year offer.

- Ira

12 years is so long.

To Judge Denny Chin,

Look... we all agree that my client is an asshole. Even I agree with that. But this case isn't about being an asshole... if this case was about being an asshole, sure, I'd sentence Bernie to 100 or 150 years in jail... hell I'd say even longer. You see my point of view? I'm on your side here. Can I call you a friend? Good.

So, friend, here's what I'm saying: The Bern-ster is like 71 years old. That's ridiculously old. What, he's probably going to live for like, 10, 11 years longer. 13 tops. TOPS! So let's just say we give him 12 years in prison. 12 years is a long time, right Denny? So long. M*A*S*H wasn't even on for 12 years and lets remember all the character development that could go on throughout that show. I felt like I knew Hawkeye like a father by the time that show was over. It seemed to go on forever. So really, 12 years is pretty harsh right? I think we'd all agree that it is.

So here's what I'm suggesting: give him 12 years in jail! The dirty dozen! The ol' bag o' bones is so old that it's basically a life sentence. And even if he does live that whole time he'll only have like a year when he gets out... and that year will probably be spent arguing with his family about being put in a old folks home... I think we agree that's probably worse than jail, right? Just a joke.

So 12 years... huh? C'mon... c'mon... c'moooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Think it over.

Your buddy,